Attachment Styles in Friendships: Why Some Friendships Feel Draining and Others Feel Safe

Applying Attachment Theory to Friendships and How to Cultivate Secure Relationships

Have you ever noticed that some friendships feel easy and safe, while others leave you feeling anxious, drained, or unsure of where you stand? Just like in romantic relationships, our attachment styles play a big role in how we connect with friends.

Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize unhealthy patterns, build stronger friendships, and create relationships that feel truly supportive. So, let’s break it down—what are attachment styles, and how do they shape your friendships?

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory was originally developed to explain how we form bonds with caregivers in childhood, but it also applies to our adult relationships—including friendships. Based on early experiences, people tend to develop one of four attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment (The Safe Friendships)

• You feel comfortable being yourself in friendships.

• You trust your friends and don’t worry excessively about losing them.

• You can give and receive support without feeling like a burden.

• Conflict doesn’t threaten the friendship—you can talk things through.

👉 If you have a secure attachment style, your friendships likely feel balanced, supportive, and stable.

2. Anxious Attachment (The Clingy or Overthinking Friendships)

• You worry about being left out or not being a “good enough” friend.

• You may overanalyze texts or social cues, fearing rejection.

• You feel intense closeness but also insecurity in friendships.

• You tend to be the one always initiating plans or checking in.

👉 If this sounds familiar, you might struggle with self-doubt in friendships and need extra reassurance from those around you.

3. Avoidant Attachment (The Distant or Independent Friendships)

• You value your independence and may find it hard to rely on friends.

• You keep people at a distance, even when you care about them.

• You may pull away when a friend gets too emotionally close.

• You’re uncomfortable with too much emotional expression.

👉 If this sounds like you, friendships may feel draining because vulnerability feels unsafe or unnecessary.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (The Hot-and-Cold Friendships)

• You crave connection but also fear getting too close.

• You may send mixed signals—one moment, wanting deep connection, the next, pulling away.

• You struggle to fully trust people but also don’t want to be alone.

• You may have intense friendships that end suddenly or feel unstable.

👉 If this resonates, friendships might feel emotionally overwhelming—like a push-pull dynamic.

How to Build Secure Friendships

No matter your attachment style, you can work toward developing secure, healthy friendships. Here’s how:

1️⃣ Recognize Your Patterns
Pay attention to how you react in friendships. Do you get anxious when a friend doesn’t text back? Do you avoid opening up about your struggles? Noticing these patterns is the first step toward change.

2️⃣ Communicate Openly and Honestly
Friendships thrive on clear communication. If you need reassurance or space, try expressing it directly instead of assuming the worst. Example:
👉 Instead of “Are you mad at me?” try “Hey, I’ve been feeling a little distant lately—can we catch up soon?”

3️⃣ Practice Boundaries (Without Fear of Losing People)
Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you’re pushing friends away. It means protecting your emotional well-being.

• If you have anxious attachment, remind yourself that giving people space doesn’t mean they don’t care.

• If you have avoidant attachment, challenge yourself to lean into emotional connection instead of pulling away.

4️⃣ Surround Yourself with Secure Friends
Spending time with emotionally healthy, supportive friends can help you develop a more secure attachment style. Notice who makes you feel safe and valued—and nurture those connections.

5️⃣ Work on Self-Worth
Attachment wounds often stem from deeper insecurities. Therapy can help you understand where these patterns come from and how to build confidence in your relationships.

Want to Create Healthier, More Fulfilling Friendships?

Friendships should feel safe, supportive, and reciprocal—not like a source of anxiety or exhaustion. If you’re struggling with attachment patterns, therapy can help you break unhelpful cycles, develop self-awareness, and build friendships that truly nourish you.

If you’re ready to explore this further, psychotherapy for young adults offers a space to understand and improve your relationships. Reach out today to take the first step toward secure, meaningful connections.